My Dark Side
by scrapmom
Summary: A day after Blaine performed My Dark Side with the Warbler's and was deciding whether or not to leave McKinley, (Season 4, Episode 7), a little "birdy" sends Kurt a video of said performance, prompting a phone call that could change everything. This is what I consider to be the missing conversation between Kurt and Blaine about the cheating and how they recovered from the hurt.


**A/N As much as I loved the phone conversation between Kurt and Blaine in the Thanksgiving episode (Season 4, Episode 8), I thought Kurt needed to see Blaine performing with the Warbler's and getting territorial, even after the cheating. I also am disappointed that we didn't get to see the two boys talk about everything, so this is the conversation that should have happened between Kurt and Blaine addressing the cheating and all the feelings involved. It takes place before the Thanksgiving episode, but is canon up until that point. **

**My Dark Side**

Kurt got home from class exhausted. He hadn't been sleeping well, ok, at all, since he and Blaine broke up. He had been throwing himself into his classes and his internship hoping he'd be so tired that he'd sleep, to no avail. The second he closed his eyes, he was bombarded by images of Blaine with someone else.

He had cried himself dry and cried some more, and was so hurt he almost couldn't breathe sometimes.

He shook his head, trying to clear it of the pain and sat down to check his email. He knew his dad would be sending him flight information for Thanksgiving. He hadn't had the heart to tell his dad he wasn't planning to come home, though.

Things were too raw and he couldn't take the chance on running into Blaine, so he and Rachel had decided to stick it out together.

When he opened his email he found the usual spam, an email from Mercedes telling him about a new song she was working on and asking how he was doing. There was the expected email from his dad, and then there was one that didn't belong. He didn't recognize the sender, but he knew the school well, .

He hesitated, his hand shaking on the mouse, before he took a deep breath and clicked.

He read the short note over and over again, afraid to click the attachment.

J_ust wanted to say thank you for letting your boy toy go..._

_His broken heart is the New Directions loss and the Warblers gain!_

_Meet Dalton's newest recruit_

Kurt was shaking and the blood was pounding in his ears, while he sat and debated whether he should open the video. He sat unmoving, staring at the computer screen until he was able to get his breathing back under control.

Come on, Kurt. You are stronger than this. Just click the stupid button. His pep talk was successful and he allowed his index finger to move slightly, starting the process. As the attachment opened, Kurt's stomach lurched when he saw Blaine. He hit pause quickly, taking in his boyfriend, no ex- boyfriend, standing at Dalton in his old warblers blazer. What the hell?

He took another deep breath to calm his frantic heart and resumed play.

(Check out the dark side video from season 4, Episode 7)

After watching the video more times than was probably acceptable, he had run through the gamut of emotions. He started out with tears, his heart almost beating out if his chest, then he moved on to sadness, because matter how mad he was, Blaine still made him melt when he performed. By the time he'd watched the video for the twentieth time, he was angry. No, he was beyond angry! He was pissed!

Who did he think he was? Running away from everything and leaving New Directions in the lurch only to return to the Warbler's, and Sebastian. Even though Blaine denied it, he still wasn't 100% convinced Sebastian wasn't the person he cheated with.

So, without thinking about the consequences, he grabbed his phone and found Blaine's number, clicking it and waiting for it to ring.

"H-hello?" Came a quiet voice through the phone.

Kurt could hear the shakiness of Blaine's voice, and felt his stomach tighten. Of course Blaine knew it was him calling. Keep it simple and to the point. "So now that I'm gone, you are going back, huh?"

"B-back where?"

"To Dalton." He heard a sharp intake of breath and waited for a response.

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, I just saw an interesting video of you with the Warblers."

"What? How?"

"That doesn't matter. Just answer the question."

A sigh. "Yeah, t-they want me back."

"It seems like you already are." Why does that bother me so much? He cheated on me. Why should I care if he goes back to Dalton? We aren't together anymore. Even just thinking those words made him want to throw up.

"I haven't decided yet, but I'm thinking about it. Not like I have anything here for me anymore."

"Well, I'm sure Sebastian is happy that your free now." That's it, be a bitch. He doesn't deserve your sympathy. If that's the case, why did you call? Ugh, my inner dialogue is fucked up.

"I'm not free. I'll never be free." Those word hit him like a sledgehammer to the chest, because he knew he felt the same.

"Blaine..."

"No, I know you don't want to hear this, but I need you to listen. You were ignoring me, pushing me away..."

Oh God, I'm not ready to hear this yet, please make him stop.

"I didn't..."

"Stop! I'm not blaming you. I know it was all my fault, ok? I was feeling lonely and I missed you so bad." There was a pause and Kurt heard a soft sob come the phone. Before he could say anything, Blaine continued, his voice hoarse. "I really needed to talk to you." He paused again. "I'm not making excuses, I promise. I just need you to know what my mindset was. My dad and I had gotten into another fight about college and things at school were crazy and..." He had to stop once again to catch his breath in between his sobs.

"I-I just needed my boyfriend, my best friend. But you didn't seem to have the time. You even hung up on me when I was telling you I loved you." His voice cracked on the word love and Kurt felt his heart breaking all over again.

"Blaine..." He tried.

"No, please don't interrupt or I'll never get this out." He waited to make sure Kurt was listening again before he continued. "After that, I started thinking that you were over me. I mean you were in New York for God sake. What could you possibly want with a stupid school boy stuck back in Ohio. I know we went through this once before, but this time is was even worse. And I just missed you so much..."

There was a significant pause and Kurt wondered if Blaine had hung up, but then he heard the faint sniffling on the other end. His tears that had already began falling only increased when he heard Blaine cry.

He had been so mad and hurt that he hadn't even allowed himself to think that he might be part of the problem. He knew he'd been brushing Blaine off a little but he's forgotten how insecure Blaine really was.

He thought back to last year and how they had almost broken up because Blaine had started pushing him away. He knew exactly how Blaine was feeling because he himself had found comfort in someone else. Obviously not in the same way Blaine had, but if Blaine hadn't been around, would he have done the same thing?

It seemed like hours before Blaine finally spoke again. "So I figured maybe we weren't meant to be. Maybe we weren't really soul mates. I mean, we are both so young..." He took a deep breath and Kurt felt his whole body shake, because he didn't want to hear what was coming, but knew it was important, so he held the phone tightly and listened.

"Oh God, I messed up so bad. I know I did. I was stupid and agreed to meet someone, and I just kept telling myself that we probably weren't meant to be anyway." By this time, both boys were openly crying, and Kurt had to put his hand over his mouth to keep from being so loud he couldn't hear what Blaine was saying.

"The thing is Kurt, that right after it happened, I knew." He broke down then, sobbing and apologizing over and over. Kurt could feel the pain coming off Blaine. He felt his sincerity, and that made him cry even harder. He'd pushed Blaine to this. Into the arms of another man. He wasn't there for him like he should have been. Sure, Blaine made the worst choice possible but Kurt knew how Blaine was and he kept pushing him away. Oh God.

After another long pause, Blaine spoke again, his voice almost unrecognizable. "I knew, after, that you were the only man for me, and..." He took a shaky breath. "I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I knew in that moment I'd lost the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I hate myself everyday for hurting you." He was crying again but continued on. "I know it doesn't mean anything to you now, but I want you to know that I really do love you, and I always will. I'll never forgive myself for what I did, so I can't expect you to either. I just want you to know that whether I'm at Dalton or McKinley, that I'll never forget you and you'll always be the love of my life."

The two boys were quiet again, with the exception of the crying. Kurt felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest. He was still hurt and upset, but he also felt like he understood Blaine a little more and that gave him hope.

"Blaine, I'm not ready to forgive you yet, I think I need a little more time, but hearing your explanation has helped me understand, and I want to say I'm sorry too."

"No!" Came the forceful reply. "You have nothing to be sorry for. This was all my fault."

"That's not true. We were a team, and it was my selfishness and stubbornness that pushed you away."

"No Kurt..."

"You had your turn. It's time you listened to me now, ok?" Kurt's attitude came though in that last sentence.

"Ok."

"You're right. I was ignoring you. Not purposely, at least I don't think so. I was just feeling so overwhelmed with my new job, and I was getting irritated with Rachel and her new man, and I guess I just took it out on you." Realization flooded Kurt as he was talking. He really did cause this. His selfishness didn't allow him to think about how alone Blaine must have been feeling.

"Oh Blaine, I'm so sorry." His voice was soft and full of regret.

"Kurt, no, you have nothing to be sorry for." He was yelling now. "Do you hear me? Nothing! This was all me, and I'm so fucking sorry!"

The line was quiet after Blaine's outburst, all that could be hear was heavy breathing.

Finally Kurt spoke. "I'm not going to let you take all the blame. Yes, what you did was awful and I'm still hurt, but you need to be willing to accept that my actions did set everything in motion and for that, I am sorry."

Blaine didn't answer at first and Kurt was beginning to worry, until he heard a quiet, "Ok."

"Now, I think we both need some more time, but I want you to know that hearing everything has really helped me and that even though I'm still hurt and confused, I still love you."

"Y-you do?" It hurt Kurt to hear Blaine sound so small and vulnerable. God help him, he did still love him, so much.

"Of course I do. I can't just stop loving you. You are my soul mate after all." He heard Blaine sob after his confession, and he knew they'd be alright. They both still needed time to heal, but he had never felt anything more right than being with Blaine, and he knew that despite everything, he still wanted to be with him, forever.

"So, are we going to be able to get through this?" He asked with hope in his voice.

"Not today or tomorrow, but I think with time, yes, we will get through this." Kurt said and meant every word.

"Kurt, I love you so much and I promise I'll spend everyday for the rest of our lives making this up to you. I-I can't imagine not being with you." The last part was said so quietly Kurt almost missed it.

"I can't imagine not being a part of your life either. I mean, we started out as best friends, and even though I'm hurt, I still miss talking to you. I still want to tell you everything that happens, good and bad. And I-I love you too."

"Oh Kurt," he said, crying harder again. Kurt was still hurt, but hearing the pain and sincerity in Blaine's voice nearly broke him.

"Hey, why don't we try to get together at Thanksgiving? I wasn't going to come home but I think we might need to talk some more. This was a good start, though."

"R-really? You want to see me?" The vulnerability in Blaine's voice nearly broke Kurt and he realized then that Blaine was hurting too. His boyfriend (yes, he felt ok calling him that now), might seem strong on the outside, but he was very insecure and easily hurt.

Kurt's heart clenched as his voice shook. "Yes, baby, I do want to see you." He heard a sharp intake of breath as he accidentally let his pet name for Blaine slip. He almost apologized, but held back, knowing Blaine needed any reassurance he could give him.

"Oh God Kurt, I miss you so much and I'm so, so sorry. I really just love you so much. I..."

"Blaine," Kurt interrupted. Yes, he was still upset, but it was hurting him even more to hear Blaine so broken. "It's going to be ok. I promise. We'll get through this." The more Kurt spoke, the harder Blaine cried. "Hey, hey, please stop crying baby. I know you are sorry, and so am I. We both messed up and we need to work together to fix this." Kurt's voice lowered as he tried to soothe Blaine.

He heard a hiccup and a few more sniffles, then finally Blaine spoke, albeit quietly "I don't deserve you..."

"Oh no you don't. I don't want to hear that, ok? Yes, you messed up badly, but I'm at fault here too. We are just kids, Blaine, and we're not perfect. We are going to make mistakes and we are going to fight, but we are also going to work through everything together. Do you know why?"

"Why?"

"Because we love each other, and because we are meant to be together. Think about it...would I have been this hurt if I didn't love you? Blaine, do you know why this has been so hard for me?" He paused for a moment, not really expecting a response. "You were my first everything, and I wanted you to be my only one forever." He heard Blaine suck in a breath at that and felt a pain in his chest. When he found out that Blaine had cheated, he wanted him to feel the same pain he felt, but now, knowing he was hurting Blaine with his words was killing him. But, he also knew he needed to hear how hurt Kurt was and why forgiving him was not going to be easy.

"I c-can't, please, I-I'm so s-sorry." His crying had morphed into full blown sobs, taking Kurt's breath away. His insides were twisted in pain, and he wanted to bad to just reach through the phone and hold his boyfriend.

"Hey, shhhh, it's ok. Shhh. Calm down baby, I'm here." Kurt whispered across the miles.

"N-no. You don't g-get to comfort me. I-I don't d-deserve it." The sobs continued until Kurt thought he was going to break in two from the pain. This was even worse than when Blaine told him he'd cheated. He hated how Blaine sounded so wounded, and yes, he was the one who screwed up, but Kurt's actions leading up to it were a big factor in it too, and he just couldn't sit by and listen to him beat himself up.

"Blaine..." The sobbing continued. "Blaine! You listen to me." The crying became a little more subdued, so he continued. "A relationship is a team effort, and as I said before, we are both to blame." He could hear Blaine take a breath to argue, but he was faster. "No, I don't want to hear it, ok? We are both to blame. Your actions, no matter how hurtful, wouldn't have occurred had I not ignored you when you needed me. Understood?" No response except for a few sniffles. "Blaine, do you understand what I am saying?"

"Yes, but..."

"Uh-uh. Stop. I'm not letting you beat yourself up anymore. I'm done. We're done." The gasp from the other end of the line made him realize what he'd said, and he quickly continued. "No, I don't mean you and I are done. God baby, no. I just mean we are done with this conversation. I can't listen to you degrade yourself anymore. Yes, I'm still hurt, but I'm also still so in love with you that the thought of us not being together hurts me even more."

"Kurt..." The pain and disbelief in that one word has Kurt reeling.

"So here's what we are going to do. We are going to take the next two weeks to think about this conversation and work through all the hurt and pain we both feel, and try to forgive each other. Then I am going to come home over Thanksgiving and we are going to get together and talk. But, we are not going to rehash this conversation. We are going to move forward. Ok?"

"Can we?"

"Can we what?"

"Can we move forward? I mean how can you..."

"Blaine, seriously, enough. Believe me, this morning I didn't think I could ever forgive you, but now I know that I can. I have to, because I can't imagine spending my life without you. This has been the most painful conversation I have ever had, but it was so necessary. This is the first step in healing not only us but our relationship."

"God Kurt, I love you so much." Blaine said, his voice hoarse from crying.

"I love you too. Now, I don't think we should talk again until Thanksgiving, but I will text you the details of my trip once I get them, ok?"

"O-ok. Kurt, do you really think you can forgive me? I-I just don't know if I can go two weeks without knowing." The vulnerability in his voice was a knife to Kurt's heart. See, he knew that through the course of this conversation, he'd already forgiven him, but he just wasn't ready to tell him just yet.

"Oh baby, I can and I will. I just need a little more time. Can you give me that?" Kurt asked gently, almost afraid of Blaine's answer.

"I'll give you anything and everything for as long as you'll let me." Came the quiet reply. Kurt was blown away by his response, but before he could comment, Blaine added. "I know I'll mess up again at some point, but I promise I won't ever ch...screw up this bad again. It's only you for me. Always has been, but I was too stupid and insecure to believe it. I will never be able to express how sorry I am, but I swear to you that I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you so much..." He had to stop before he lost it again.

"Oh Blaine, I love you too, and I promise we'll make it. It's you and me forever, ok?" Even after this horribly uncomfortable, yet necessary talk, Kurt still felt a little twinge of worry that Blaine would not agree. It seems they are both a little vulnerable.

"Forever." With that one word, Kurt felt himself breathe again.

"So, I guess this is goodbye for a couple of weeks." Kurt sighed.

"Yeah." Blaine sighed too, neither boy wanting to hang up. "I love you."

"I love you too, baby, and I'll see you in two weeks." A thrill of excitement ran through his body and he felt happy for the first time since they had broken up.

Their bye's were simultaneous as they both hung up together. Kurt leaned back in his chair, still sitting at the computer, the email that prompted all this still open in front of him. His anger returning in full force, but this time, not at Blaine, but at who sent the email.

So, he composed his own short response.

_I'm assuming this is Sebastian and I just want to say that your plan backfired. Now stay out of our lives._

_Kurt_

Two days later, Kurt was confirming his flight information with his dad, when he noticed another email from Dalton. There was no attachment this time, and he almost just deleted it, but his curiosity got the better of him and he opened it. He sat back in his seat, surprised at the response.

_Actually I think my plan worked perfectly considering our golden boy just turned us down and you are emailing me to stay away from him._

_Go back and listen to the song choice._

_Not everything is as it seems._

_Sebastian out_


End file.
